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Walking In Integrity

Updated: Jun 1, 2022

Knowing the self intimately without judgment

In June 2018, I was at the hair salon getting my hair colored as I usually did every 6-8 weeks for the last 11 years. The hairdresser had just applied the color to my roots covering my scalp. I felt the creamy cool substance on my head as it settled there for about 20 minutes while I flipped through the salon's magazines.

While I waited, I started to feel a sensation on the back of my head. It felt like someone was placing a ceramic plate on it. I had felt this 6 weeks earlier while getting my roots done, but it felt more intense this time. The sensation was so clear that I could have easily drawn the circular shape around it to mark the spot.

I was familiar with the energetic vortex at the back of the head, meant for receiving (channeling) information, known as the occipital chakra (or alta major). It felt like the dye was "dulling" or covering this area of my head. At that moment, I knew, with a sense of resistance, that I had to stop dying my hair. At least temporarily.

When I embarked on my inner journey a few years ago, if felt there was no stopping it. It was now time to focus more on what I was putting on and into my physical body. I decided to give myself a 6-month break to clear (detox) that part of my head from chemicals (toxins).

On my next visit to the hair salon, I asked my hairdresser to only apply color to the top of my head and leave the rest of my hair/scalp clear. Of course, I struggled to explain the sudden change, even though a simple detoxing explanation would suffice. She suggested low-lights on the top of my head. I reassured her (really myself) that it would only be until the end of the year – for 6 months.

Around this time, I bought the book Medical Medium by Anthony Williams. I had just finished a course on mediumship at the College of Psychic Studies, so I was curious to learn how Anthony worked as a medium. While absolutely fascinated by his abilities and mission in life, I was really drawn to the chapter on clearing toxins.

I incorporated the foods he recommended for the healing cleanse. Also, around this time, I came across Marina Jacobi. She also spoke of the importance of clearing space, through foods, in our various energetic bodies to be a clear channel for healing energies. The more we clear, the more information we unlock, the greater our connection to all living things, and the greater the level of discernment we obtain.

While I had no idea what pockets of toxins may be residing in my body, I started the healing cleanse recommended in the book. I gained greater awareness about my body, food intake, and energy levels during that time. My energy level was through the roof, and I felt great.

Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique (QHHT)

By November of that year, I had a Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique (QHHT) session, a hypnotherapy modality founded by Dolores Cannon. I had uncovered quite a lot about myself through hypnosis (Past Lives and Life Between Life) the year before, in 2017, so I was ready to dive deeper into my Universe.

I felt myself drifting far away from this Earth in the session, deep into the Universe. I then felt an alignment in my bone structure around my chest and shoulders. I felt gentle hands holding my lower neck as well. These "hands" were moving upward as if the back of my skull was being gently massaged, cleared, and elongated. I understood that the connection between the occipital chakra, ears, and heart was connected. The movement of energy within and around my body was now flowing with clarity and ease.

It then occurred to me that the detox from the months prior was preparing me and my body for the clearing in the session. Afterward, I noticed that my discernment level was much clearer. Actually, shockingly clear regarding friendships, mentors, habits, and emotions. Things that were not in alignment anymore started to fall away. I could also listen to (hear) my intuition more clearly, and I understood what clairaudient really meant for me throughout my life.

After this session, and to my relief, I also felt I had the green light to go dye my hair! So, I booked an appointment at the hair salon. Of course, spiritual work is never that easy! The incredible healing I had just experienced in the higher realms (higher frequencies) would trickle down and integrate into my third-dimensional human reality.

I wanted more clarity, and that is precisely what I got! The clarity illuminated what was once hidden in the shadows (unconscious). These aspects need to be embraced and integrated when they come up to be seen. This process is the 'not-so-fun' bits.

In the two weeks leading up to my hair appointment, I remembered that I never wanted to dye my hair. Although I was starting to get more curious about my natural hair color, I had more moments of horror as all the negative thoughts, insecurities, and judgments kept popping into my head.

I decided to go to a different salon that offered a more natural range of hair dyes. As I explained things to my new hairdresser, she said, referring to my incoming natural grey hair, "You never know, you might actually like it!" That was the turning point for me. I had never considered that I may actually like my natural hair! I decided to carry on and see it through.

In the months that went by, I couldn't believe the hold that past comments, beliefs, opinions, and judgments had on me. I nearly caved 100 times. It didn't matter how many compliments I heard about my incoming grey hairs; what I heard growing up, what I learned from my environment, and cultural conditioning would fester in my head and play with my emotions.

Uncovering the Truth

When I was 30 years old, I started going grey. My greys were quite evident, and I loved them. I initially had no intention of dying my hair, but then the comments started, mainly from my family, "You are too young to have grey hair," I would hear my mother's voice and the voices of many who carry this belief. It was known in the family that the women in my maternal lineage would go grey 'young,' but since everyone dyed their hair, it was understood that it was what everyone did.

I remember a guy I knew at the time, who had a crush on me, said that he found my grey' endearing.' Whether his comment was true or not, it would not have mattered because I would not have been able to believe him. The negative beliefs and stereotypes about women with grey hair; would seep in, especially if they were young. It felt as if one needed to reach the 'appropriate' age' and have the 'right' color grey.

There was also a perception that I picked up somewhere along the way that a young woman who didn't dye her hair was an unkempt type of woman. Basically, she was a woman who didn't care about her appearance. No one said any of this in particular that I can remember, but it played on my mind, which I am sure comes from cultural conditioning. These are my perceptions, and I do not speak for everyone in my family or culture, just sharing the feelings I would have towards grey hair. Yet, I knew none of this was true.

So began my journey with semi-permanent color, which led to permanent color five years later. In the beginning, I remember telling my hairdresser to please keep it as close to my original color as possible. It really bothered me not being the 'real' me. So one of the ways this feeling manifested externally was my initial resistance to dyeing my hair. I felt like I was not the real me anymore by changing my hair color. It felt as if I was deceiving others. Somehow this mattered to me.

What was this really mirroring in my world and perhaps more broadly in our society? What are we covering up, not showing, and hiding? The irony is that we get so used to that version of ourselves, the habit, pattern, or identity, that it becomes more difficult to un-do as time passes.

I do not remember ever fearing growing old; I couldn't wait. For as long as I can remember, I have been excited to grow older. I enjoyed my birthdays and celebrating another year around the Sun. I have never been one to plan or set goals, but one thing I looked forward to all of my life was my 40s. Growing older was not something I feared.

So what was really going on? Was it my desire to fit in and relate to others that would be much stronger than my desire to just be me? Or did I fear the immense power of connection and standing firm in my own Truth? Was it fear of judgment, fear of feeling different, or fear of feeling separate? Or was it all of these things? They are all relevant.

Re-Connecting, revisiting my birth

My birth was an emergency c-section. There was no time for my mother to wait for the anesthesia to take effect, so she fainted from the pain she felt as her belly was cut top to bottom, layer by layer. My mother left her body (she fainted) from the pain when I was born. When I was born, she was not there as an anchor and connection (to Earth and her).

Furthermore, I was in an incubator for three days because I was barely breathing from the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. While we have always gotten along, we admitted that there wasn't a strong bond. The strong bond was later felt (in my 40s) when we shared a strong connection with the spiritual world.

I believe that this experience created scenarios in my life that made me feel separate and abandoned so I could then overcome them and feel connected again. It is no coincidence that when I started to embrace my spiritual life, talents, and gifts, and when I learned to connect deeply with Earth, I felt a stronger connection with my mother. My connection to Earth was a welcoming that filled me with feelings of safety, acceptance, and nurturing.

In Truth, we are always connected, and there is no separation; however, we live in the illusion of separation. The trauma of birth is where the healing begins because that is our first experience when we "enter" this reality. This incredible inner work has given me a greater understanding of myself and what resides within my subconscious.

My mother would have volunteered and agreed to her experience, so did I. It was an agreement for her growth and mine, and for that, I am grateful to her. Her healing is her journey, and as I heal along my journey, I am also healing her.

When it was my turn to give birth to my first son six years ago, I decided to do hypnobirthing to ensure things went OK. Despite being excited and not fearing birth, I somehow knew it was important to seek additional help. I wanted to have a natural birth and not let the traumatic stories I heard growing up about my own birth affect me. The hypnobirthing helped me stay calm while I was already 42 weeks pregnant.

I ended up having a natural birth, but I had not considered what aspect of my birth might actually affect me. When the doctor said he needed to make a small incision to create space for my son to come out, I broke into tears and looked at my husband as if I was about to die. The panic that overcame me was out of context. The emotional imprint I carried within was my mother's pain of being cut open before fainting and before I was born.

As I had written before and mentioned many times, this is not about blaming anyone. Blaming doesn't exist when we live in a world where we are aware that we are all connected. It is about raising awareness and taking responsibility for oneself. We experience all the choices we have made so we can grow in consciousness and evolve here on Earth to ultimately return to wholeness. It is what we do with that awareness that matters moving forward.