Walking In Integrity: knowing the Self intimately without judgment
Updated: Aug 10
In June 2018, I was at the hair salon getting my hair colored as I usually did every 6-8 weeks for the last 11 years. The hairdresser had just applied the color to my roots covering my scalp. I felt the creamy cool substance on my head as it settled there for about 20 minutes while I flipped through the latest fashion magazines. While I waited, I started to feel a sensation on the back of my head. It felt like someone was placing a ceramic plate on it. I had felt this 6 weeks earlier while getting my roots done, but this time it felt more intense. The sensation was so clear that I could have easily drawn the circular shape around it to mark the spot.
I was already familiar with the energetic significance of the back of the head. We all have an energetic vortex there for channeling; also known as the occipital chakra (or alta major). Usually, when it starts to tingle it means it is opening up and becoming more active which had been happening to me. At the salon, it felt like the dye was “dulling” or covering this area of my head. At that moment, I knew, with a sense of resistance that I had to stop dying my hair. At least temporarily, I thought.
When I embarked on the inner spiritual journey a few years ago there was really no stopping it. I now felt called to focus on what I was putting on (and into) my physical body. I decided to give myself a 6-month break to clear that part of my head. So on my next visit to the hair salon, I asked my hairdresser to only apply color to the top of my head and leave the rest of my hair/scalp clear. Of course, I struggled to explain to her ‘why’; and I was probably turning into that annoying client – certainly nuts! She suggested low-lights on the top of my head. I reassured her (really myself) that it would only be until the end of the year – for 6 months.
Around this time, I bought the book Medical Medium by Anthony Williams. I had just finished studying mediumship with Gordan Smith at the College of Psychic Studies so I was curious to learn how Anthony worked as a medium. While being absolutely fascinated by his abilities and mission in life, I found I was really drawn to the chapter on clearing toxins. I felt called to incorporate the foods he recommended for the healing cleanse. Also, around this time, I came across an incredible channel who also spoke of the importance of clearing space, through foods, in our various energetic bodies to be the clearest channel for healing. The more we clear, the more information we unlock, the greater our connection to all living things, and the greater the level of discernment we obtain.
While I had no idea what pockets of toxins I would have taken on from the myriad of products in my environment throughout my life (or inherited from my ancestors), I got started on the healing cleanse recommended in the book. I felt interesting sensations throughout my body so I knew something was working and clearing. Although I had always considered myself a healthy eater, I knew I needed to take it up a notch so I did the recommended healing cleanse for a few weeks. In that time, I gained a greater level of awareness about my body, about the foods I was eating, and in particular about my energy levels. They were through the roof and I felt great.
By the time November rolled around, I had a Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy (QHHT) session; a hypnotherapy modality founded by Dolores Cannon. I had uncovered quite a lot about myself through hypnosis (Past Lives and Life Between Life) the year before, in 2017, so I was ready to dive deeper into my universe. I was searching for clarity about myself. Although a lot happened in this session, at one point I felt my guides come in; and then I channeled what was happening (which was recorded).
I felt myself drifting far away from this Earth, deep into the Universe. There I felt an alignment take place in my bone structure around my chest area. I felt gentle hands holding my lower neck as well. These ‘hands’ were moving in an upward motion as if the back of my skull was being gently massaged, cleared, and elongated. I was shown that the connection between the occipital chakra, my ears, and my heart space were all connected and that the energy was now flowing more clearly.
I understood that in the last 6 months I had been creating space in my energetic field to make room for this clearing and upgrade to take place. After this session, I noticed that my level of discernment was much clearer – more like shockingly clear; as it related to friends, mentors, habits, rituals, emotions, etc., in my life at the time. Things that were not in alignment any more started to fall away. I could also listen to my intuition more clearly and I understood that I had been clairaudient all of my life.
After this session, and to my relief, I also felt I had the green light to go dye my hair! So, I booked an appointment at the hair salon. Of course, spiritual work is never that easy! The incredible healing that I had just experienced in the upper realms (higher frequencies) would now trickle down and integrate into my human third-dimensional reality. I wanted more clarity, and that is exactly what I got! However, when you shine more light within, you illuminate what was once hidden as shadows (unconscious). When they come up to be seen they have to be embraced and integrated. This process is the ‘not-so-fun’ bits.
Healing the 3D Human
So, when I got the “green light”, I booked my hair appointment. In the two weeks leading up to the hair appointment, I started to remember that I never wanted to dye my hair. Although I was starting to get more curious about my natural hair color, I had more moments of horror, as all the negative thoughts, insecurities, and judgments kept popping into my head.
I still wanted to dye my hair, so I decided to go to a different salon that offered a more natural range of hair dyes. As I explained things to my new hairdresser, she said, referring to my incoming natural hair, “You never know, you might actually like it!” and that was the turning point for me. I had never considered that I may actually like my natural hair! I decided to carry on and see it through.
In the months that went by I couldn’t believe the hold that past comments, beliefs, opinions, and judgments had on me. I nearly caved 100 times. It didn’t matter how many compliments I heard about my incoming grey hairs, it was what I heard growing up, what I learned from my environment, and cultural conditioning that would fester in my head and play with my emotions.
Uncovering the Truth
When I was 30 years old I started going grey. My greys were quite evident and I loved them. I initially had no intention of dyeing my hair, but then the comments started, mainly from my family, “You are too young to have grey hair,” I would hear my mother’s voice and the voices of many who carry this belief. It was known in the family that the women in my maternal lineage would go grey ‘young’ but since everyone dyed their hair it was understood that it was what everyone did.
I remember there was a guy at the time who had a crush on me and he said that he found my grey ‘endearing’. Whether his comment was true, or not, it would not have mattered because I would not have been able to believe him. The negative beliefs and stereotypes about women with grey hair; would seep in; especially if they were young in age. It felt as if one needed to reach the ‘appropriate’ age’ and also have the ‘right’ color grey.
There was also a perception that I picked up somewhere along the way that a young woman who didn’t dye her hair was an unkempt-type of woman. Basically, a woman who didn’t care about her appearances. No one said any of this in particular, that I can remember, but it played on my mind which I am sure comes from cultural conditioning. These are my perceptions and I do not speak for everyone in my family or culture; just sharing the feelings I would have towards grey hair. Yet, I knew none of this was true.
So began my journey with semi-permanent color, which then led to permanent color five years after that. In the beginning, I remember telling my hairdresser to please keep it as close to my original color as possible. It really bothered me not being the real me. So one of the ways this feeling manifested externally was my initial resistance to dyeing my hair. By changing the color of my hair I felt like I was not the real me anymore. It felt as if I was deceiving others. Somehow this mattered to me.
What was this really mirroring in my world and in our society? What are we covering up, what are we not showing? What are we hiding? The irony is that we then get so used to that ‘version’, that habit, that pattern, that identity, it then it becomes so much more difficult to un-do as time passes.
I do not remember ever fearing growing old; in fact, I couldn’t wait. For as long as I can remember I was so excited to grow older. I loved growing older and I loved birthdays because I was a year older. I have never been one to plan or set goals but one thing I looked forward to all of my life were my 40’s. Growing older was not something I feared.
So what was really going on? Was it my incredible desire to fit in and relate to others that would be much stronger than my desire to just be me? Or did I fear the immense power that comes from connection and standing firm in my own truth? Was is fear of judgment, fear of feeling different, or fear of feeling separate. Or was it all of these things? They are all relevant. Yet, feeling separate, not connected, and ungrounded is what I chose as a challenge in this life.
My birth was an emergency c-section. There was no time for my mother to wait for the anesthesia to take effect so she fainted from the pain she felt as her belly was cut top to bottom; layer by layer. My mother left her body from the pain when I was born so she was not rooted on Earth for me to anchor and connect. On top of that, I was barely breathing with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, and I was then in an incubator for 3 days. While I have always gotten along with my mother there wasn’t a strong bond that she and I finally admitted later in life.
I manifested scenarios in my life that made me feel separate and abandoned so I could then overcome them and feel connected again. It is no coincidence that when I started to embrace my spiritual life, talents, and gifts, that I felt a stronger connection with my mother; and when I learned to connect with mother Earth did I feel safe, accepted, and nurtured by her as well.
In truth, we are always connected and there is no separation; however, we live in the illusion of separation and the trauma of birth is where the healing begins because that is our first experience when we “enter” this reality. I am an incredibly ungrounded human being but I do not see that as a challenge anymore nor as a problem. I work with it, and I now love this challenge and take it light-heartedly. My challenge is really my blessing because of the incredible access I have to the spiritual realms. However, I have to ground by working with Earth energies daily to anchor and action the frequencies I access. Otherwise, they would not become manifest in this world.
This incredible inner work has given me a greater understanding of myself. I have searched within my subconscious mind. I saw and felt what I had agreed to in this life. I am continuously clearer on the agreements and contracts I have agreed to in this life. My mother would have volunteered and agreed to that experience as would I. It was an agreement for her growth and mine, and for that, I am grateful to her. Her healing is her journey, and as I heal along my journey I am also healing her.
When it was my turn to give birth six years ago to my first son, I decided to do hypnobirthing to ensure things went OK. Despite being excited and not fearing birth, I somehow knew that it was important to seek additional help. I really wanted to have a natural birth and not let the traumatic stories I heard growing up about my own birth affect me. The hypnobirthing helped me stay calm while I was already 42 weeks pregnant and I had my parents telling me every day I would not have contractions and that I needed to go for a c-section.
I ended up having a natural birth but I had not considered what aspect of my own birth might actually affect me. When the doctor said that he needed to make a small incision to create space for Jack to come out; I broke into tears and looked at my husband as if I was about to die. The panic that overcame me was out of context. The pain that my mother felt of being cut open before fainting and before I was born was the emotional imprint I carried within.
As I have written before and mentioned so many times, this is not about placing blame on anyone. Blaming doesn’t exist when we live in a world where we are aware that we are all connected. It is about raising awareness and taking responsibility for oneself. We experience all the choices we have made so we can grow in consciousness and evolve here on Earth to ultimately return to wholeness. It is what we do with that awareness that matters moving forward.
Last year at a playdate, one mom said; “but there is nothing wrong with dyeing your hair”; and that is so true as well; unless you never wanted to dye your hair or if you are aware that it is affecting your health in some way. Another woman who championed my actions, then, in the same conversation, said that she was ‘blessed’ to not have grey hair yet. Another friend admitted that whenever she sees a young woman with grey hair she wonders “Why doesn’t she just dye it?”; even though she is consciously aware and supports those who don’t dye their hair. I have also found myself saying similar things to people such as; “You are too young to have grey hair” and “there is always time to go grey”. I was projecting what I was telling myself.
Knowing something to be true is no good if you can’t action the change due to limiting beliefs and fears. It is no different than knowing how detrimental chemicals are to us; meanwhile, we will put them on our skins (i.e. certain skincare) on a daily basis; and consume them through certain foods. We complain of the contaminated water on Earth meanwhile we do the same to our bodies that are 70% water. All we see in our external world is a mirror of our inner worlds.
Everything in our external world is a mirror of our inner world
Peaceful environments, stable climate conditions, and inherent wisdom are not available to us if we do not make room for it within ourselves.
Heal yourself and you heal humanity. Nothing is irreparable. We are self-regulating, self-healing human beings with incredible potential and with access to a limitless source of energy; and so is Earth. We stop polluting ourselves, we stop polluting Earth. All that is in the way is ourselves. It takes time and it is not easy but every little bit helps. I still have a long way to go.
While some limiting beliefs and fears can be so minuscule for some; they can be insurmountable for others. I have witnessed how fragile we can be as humans; and how much judgment we hold of ourselves; whether we are conscious or unconsciously aware of them. I have experienced with conscious awareness, the limiting beliefs and repressed emotions (traumas) that get the better of us when we are triggered.
Our subconscious mind is a marvelous thing and an incredible place to unlock truth. It is where information about our repressed emotions can be found which is why they are hard to identify. Repressed emotions affect our emotional health and physical body because they are stored as energy throughout our body. Triggers are our best clues and it can take months or even years to uncover the root of it; which is why seeking help is sometimes the best way.
Whatever triggers us is where we need to heal. If only everyone dove deep within, we would be living in a completely different world! This level of therapy/awareness should be part of our national curriculum and form part of every company or organization’s human resources.
How wonderful would it be if personal development at work was about going to a monthly gong bath, or joining a meditation circle, or embarking on a hypnotherapy session? What an incredible amount of insights would flow from each individual as they showed up to work as the best version of themselves – dropping the ‘false selves’ and helping the company strive to be the best version of itself. Companies are, after all, a living consciousness made up of all who work there.
Releasing the Traumas
Our hair holds so much information about our emotions and our health. For many years I kept to myself that sometimes there were people I would meet whose hair I wanted to cut off. I kept wondering why I would want to do that, and I even thought there might be something wrong with me for thinking/feeling such things.
When I learned about the importance of hair, primarily through indigenous cultures, it made so much sense; and especially when I started to learn about our energy bodies and the process of inner healing. What is inside comes out or is reflecting in our physical body. Those who are particularly sensitive will feel it/sense it as well. We can read/see trauma (emotions) on someone’s skin, on their hair, their eyes, etc. We all feel these things, we just sometimes struggle to identify it or know it at its root.
We can now understand why someone feels the urge to chop off all their hair; maybe after losing a loved one or going through a big shift in their lives. I too was starting to feel desperate after 18 months of growing out my natural hair to chop it all off and get rid of the old colored hair, but fear of losing my ‘sexy-ness’ crept in (another rabbit hole); even though I was consciously aware that women with short hair are incredibly sexy.
So, after a year of growing out my natural hair, I got a free voucher to have a photoshoot. I had never been to a photoshoot session and it was something I would not have sought out, but I thought why not?! This is a good opportunity to capture my growth half-way through the process and see how it feels while having fun. Because, after all, why wait? The healing journey is ongoing; not a destination.
I then remembered how I judged my mother when I was a teenager when she had a photoshoot for fun. I found it superficial. Here I was, so many years later, having a photoshoot. It was my turn now to feel judged by others; which in truth are my own judgments reflected back at me. I enjoyed every minute of that photoshoot. It was fun! I was very well aware of what I was doing and why – and I laughed at myself throughout the whole process. And I’ll be happy to go again one day.
Who am I at the end of the day but a myriad of learned behaviors and a series of ‘aspects’ and identities (or parts) that make up who I am as a whole person? Once integrated it is all liberating because the triggers diminish. Everyone will filter what they see through their own beliefs, their own traumas, emotional wounds, and cultural conditioning. What matters, at the end of the day, is your happiness and well-being which all comes from the inside out. Wellness is an inside job which is then reflected on the outside.
Integrating what matters – it all matters
The more I clear, the more I uncover (beyond the illusion), the more I integrate, and the more whole I become. The clearer my eyesight the clearer my purpose, the clearer my mission, the clearer my heart space, and the less I am triggered. Clearing matters because I want to step into the best version of myself every day for my children and for the lineages that are unfolding through them; for my husband; for my ancestors; for my friends; for my clients; for Earth; for humanity; for my universe, and for my multiverse. Ultimately, I want to be firmly rooted in an open-hearted life, based on integrity and synchronicity.
So, in a nutshell:
There is nothing wrong with dyeing your hair.
**The artwork Surrender to All That Is is a result of the head healing from my QHHT session. Follow link to read more
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